The thing about focusing on change is it can make you feel like you're not enough. When you dive into a self-improvement project, as I did six months ago, if you're not careful you can start to believe a pretty bad message:
I want to change these things about myself. I need to do this to feel good. I am bad if I don't do this. I am bad.
While I loved my first few challenges (the Whole30, yoga every day), I struggled with what changing things about myself meant. Was throwing myself into these things just furthering my mistaken belief that I wasn't already good enough? I didn't know how to move forward. When you add that to a busy schedule and a healthy dash of laziness, I found myself slinking away from my challenges, and as a result, my writing.
But you've probably noticed I am back! As is often the case, I was inspired by a book. (I read. A lot.) This time the book was 29 Gifts-- Cami Walker's story about how giving a gift a day for 29 days helped her cope with her debilitating multiple sclerosis.
I'm not sure what it is about these books I read about changing your life that inspire me so-- I rarely even like the book, but a few little things wriggle into my mind until I'm moved to do something. In this case it was the words of Cami's teacher who gave her the assignment to give every day for a month. She tells Cami that when you give generously you are in a place of abundance. When you think you have nothing to give or offer, you are in a place of scarcity.
The ins and outs of day to day life often make me feel like I'm living in a place of scarcity. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough me. These words spoke to me. Perhaps by giving each day, I can remind myself that what I have is enough. Who I am is enough.
Gift 1
I began two days ago. My first gift was... well, many people wouldn't consider it a gift at all! My friend Katie had been in New York a few weeks ago and brought be back a birthday present of a small bud vase and a package of chocolate covered coffee beans. This week, Katie has been running around, organizing focus groups for a possible new product at work. I've been thinking of her as she zips around the office, and feeling badly for her, as she's been sick recently, and the hectic pace she's working at can't be making her feel better.
As she prepared to head off to a focus group, I thought she might need a pick me up, and I had just the thing. Chocolate covered coffee beans. That she had given me just a week ago.
Was sharing something that someone had given you really a gift? According to the rules laid out in the book, a gift can be anything. Time, kind words, a smile, money. As long as it's given with intention it counts.
And this giving was indeed with intention. Katie was in my thoughts, and I gave her something that I hoped would perk her up. The fact that she paid for it was irrelevant!
Gift 2
Yesterday I saw a friend for lunch. She's moving to Portland, and I likely won't see her again for a while. I decided to pick up the tab-- a small gesture, but given with intention.
Gift 3
Today, I had a particular gift in mind, but I chickened out. Karen, a friend at work, is very committed to the cause of AIDS/HIV research and education. Every year since I began working with her, I've joined her in an AIDS walk, raising money amount to help fight this disease. And every year... well, I kind of dread it. I hate asking people for fundraising money. The walk itself is crowded and I find it overwhelming. And this year, I have so much going on, and am being pulled in so many directions. It feels difficult, almost impossible, to sign up for this walk, and commit to being in San Francisco that weekend, when I have so many things to do, so many places to be.
At least one of the 29 gifts is supposed to be something you think you can't do without. Doing this walk would essentially be the gift of a Saturday... something I feel like I couldn't possibly part with.
I'm going to sit on this for a while, and think if this is truly the present I want to give to fulfill that goal. Perhaps I will. But not today. If I were to sign up today it would be with reservations and trepidation. I want to give with generosity and love. I'm hoping a few more days of giving will help me get into a better frame of mind.
Today, instead, I did the dishes. At work someone signs up every days to unload the dishwasher in the morning. I usually sign up every month, but this month I didn't. I felt like I was doing enough at work, one more thing felt impossible (see? scarcity mindset!). This morning another co-worker was signed up, but I was in the kitchen before he arrived. With intention, I decided this would be my gift.
So, that's the challenge so far! I'm hoping that this will shift my attitude slightly, and remind me of the ways I can help, not the ways in which I am deficient.
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