After the holidays, I had fallen into some pretty bad habits. Lots of bread. Drinking coffee again. Putting a lot of milk in said coffee. Behaving like a 22 year-old on the weekends. Note to Candace: Friday doesn't HAVE to mean pizza and beer day.
So, after pretty much ignoring all the challenges I set for myself (daily core work in January? No. 10 minute miles in February? HA! No.) I decided to bring it back to the beginning. It was time to do the Whole 30 again.
I reread the book. Upon second reading I was less impressed. The arguments that seemed to well thought-out upon first (terrified) glance, now seemed to be based on conjecture. But I couldn't argue with the results from my first dip into paleo eating. So in I jumped again.
I started the week far more prepared than I was the first go round. I had meals planned, snacks at the ready, and a game plan for the restaurants I knew I'd be visiting. The week went by, and I was amazed at how much easier things seemed this time. Yes, I was completely exhausted the whole week, but other than that, I felt pretty good. And just knowing that I was doing something good for myself made me feel happier about my body.
But. Well, there was a but. Isn't there always. I began the 30 days on Monday. On Saturday, I was throwing a baby shower for my best friend. To say that party planning is not my idea of a good time is an understatement. I wanted my friend to have the best possible party, because I adore her and I already love her not-yet-born baby. But planning, organizing, being the maker of fun? So not my jam. (Which is why planning my own wedding is such a scary experience for me, but that's another entry!)
When we arrived at the venue, everything was wrong. There was a huge beer event happening that was making everything more crowded and chaotic than the venue usually is. The space I had reserved had been double booked, and we had to set up in another location. There was a band playing in said location and they were SO LOUD. The guest of honor arrived a half hour late. I was a like a huge exposed nerve. I had eaten a large lunch before we got there to minimize temptation, but after the grueling first few hours of set up, I was done with willpower. I poured myself a glass of sangria. I joked to my friends "I'm screwing the diet, and I'm not sorry!"
But... I am sorry. Over four hours I had four drinks. I had three mini cupcakes and a plate full of fried food. We went home and I crashed on the couch, having rarely felt that tired. We ordered pizza.
The next day was supposed to be Day 1. I'd screwed the diet and I needed to begin again. But my friends and I made plans and she was an hour and a half late. I blew up at her. She cried. I cried. We talked it out during a long walk. I went home and felt pretty bad about myself. Terrible for making her cry, and adding up all the ways I hadn't been a good friend during her pregnancy. Was this fair to myself? Probably not. But it's what I did.
I had been Whole30 compliant all day, but I hadn't eaten properly. Not enough fat or veggies. Just two servings of turkey meatballs and a kombucha. I was hungry and raw and wanted comfort. We went to a cafe and I had a sandwich and half a beer. Then we grabbed a slice of chocolate cake to go.
And now, today. Once again, not Whole30. I skipped breakfast. I had milk in my coffee. I'm taking every small thing that goes wrong as evidence that I'm terrible & manifesting bad energy in my life. It's possible that I'm being SLIGHTLY hard on myself.
So where do I go from here? Do I commit to the Whole30 again, and risk feeling this badly about myself if I fail? Decide failing is not an option? I know what the brave choice is, but I'm not feeling very brave. I'm feeling pretty beat up at the moment.
For the moment, exercise is the answer. Then we shall see!
