The thing about focusing on change is it can make you feel like you're not enough. When you dive into a self-improvement project, as I did six months ago, if you're not careful you can start to believe a pretty bad message:
I want to change these things about myself. I need to do this to feel good. I am bad if I don't do this. I am bad.
While I loved my first few challenges (the Whole30, yoga every day), I struggled with what changing things about myself meant. Was throwing myself into these things just furthering my mistaken belief that I wasn't already good enough? I didn't know how to move forward. When you add that to a busy schedule and a healthy dash of laziness, I found myself slinking away from my challenges, and as a result, my writing.
But you've probably noticed I am back! As is often the case, I was inspired by a book. (I read. A lot.) This time the book was 29 Gifts-- Cami Walker's story about how giving a gift a day for 29 days helped her cope with her debilitating multiple sclerosis.
I'm not sure what it is about these books I read about changing your life that inspire me so-- I rarely even like the book, but a few little things wriggle into my mind until I'm moved to do something. In this case it was the words of Cami's teacher who gave her the assignment to give every day for a month. She tells Cami that when you give generously you are in a place of abundance. When you think you have nothing to give or offer, you are in a place of scarcity.
The ins and outs of day to day life often make me feel like I'm living in a place of scarcity. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough me. These words spoke to me. Perhaps by giving each day, I can remind myself that what I have is enough. Who I am is enough.
Gift 1
I began two days ago. My first gift was... well, many people wouldn't consider it a gift at all! My friend Katie had been in New York a few weeks ago and brought be back a birthday present of a small bud vase and a package of chocolate covered coffee beans. This week, Katie has been running around, organizing focus groups for a possible new product at work. I've been thinking of her as she zips around the office, and feeling badly for her, as she's been sick recently, and the hectic pace she's working at can't be making her feel better.
As she prepared to head off to a focus group, I thought she might need a pick me up, and I had just the thing. Chocolate covered coffee beans. That she had given me just a week ago.
Was sharing something that someone had given you really a gift? According to the rules laid out in the book, a gift can be anything. Time, kind words, a smile, money. As long as it's given with intention it counts.
And this giving was indeed with intention. Katie was in my thoughts, and I gave her something that I hoped would perk her up. The fact that she paid for it was irrelevant!
Gift 2
Yesterday I saw a friend for lunch. She's moving to Portland, and I likely won't see her again for a while. I decided to pick up the tab-- a small gesture, but given with intention.
Gift 3
Today, I had a particular gift in mind, but I chickened out. Karen, a friend at work, is very committed to the cause of AIDS/HIV research and education. Every year since I began working with her, I've joined her in an AIDS walk, raising money amount to help fight this disease. And every year... well, I kind of dread it. I hate asking people for fundraising money. The walk itself is crowded and I find it overwhelming. And this year, I have so much going on, and am being pulled in so many directions. It feels difficult, almost impossible, to sign up for this walk, and commit to being in San Francisco that weekend, when I have so many things to do, so many places to be.
At least one of the 29 gifts is supposed to be something you think you can't do without. Doing this walk would essentially be the gift of a Saturday... something I feel like I couldn't possibly part with.
I'm going to sit on this for a while, and think if this is truly the present I want to give to fulfill that goal. Perhaps I will. But not today. If I were to sign up today it would be with reservations and trepidation. I want to give with generosity and love. I'm hoping a few more days of giving will help me get into a better frame of mind.
Today, instead, I did the dishes. At work someone signs up every days to unload the dishwasher in the morning. I usually sign up every month, but this month I didn't. I felt like I was doing enough at work, one more thing felt impossible (see? scarcity mindset!). This morning another co-worker was signed up, but I was in the kitchen before he arrived. With intention, I decided this would be my gift.
So, that's the challenge so far! I'm hoping that this will shift my attitude slightly, and remind me of the ways I can help, not the ways in which I am deficient.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Whole 5
After the holidays, I had fallen into some pretty bad habits. Lots of bread. Drinking coffee again. Putting a lot of milk in said coffee. Behaving like a 22 year-old on the weekends. Note to Candace: Friday doesn't HAVE to mean pizza and beer day.
So, after pretty much ignoring all the challenges I set for myself (daily core work in January? No. 10 minute miles in February? HA! No.) I decided to bring it back to the beginning. It was time to do the Whole 30 again.
I reread the book. Upon second reading I was less impressed. The arguments that seemed to well thought-out upon first (terrified) glance, now seemed to be based on conjecture. But I couldn't argue with the results from my first dip into paleo eating. So in I jumped again.
I started the week far more prepared than I was the first go round. I had meals planned, snacks at the ready, and a game plan for the restaurants I knew I'd be visiting. The week went by, and I was amazed at how much easier things seemed this time. Yes, I was completely exhausted the whole week, but other than that, I felt pretty good. And just knowing that I was doing something good for myself made me feel happier about my body.
But. Well, there was a but. Isn't there always. I began the 30 days on Monday. On Saturday, I was throwing a baby shower for my best friend. To say that party planning is not my idea of a good time is an understatement. I wanted my friend to have the best possible party, because I adore her and I already love her not-yet-born baby. But planning, organizing, being the maker of fun? So not my jam. (Which is why planning my own wedding is such a scary experience for me, but that's another entry!)
When we arrived at the venue, everything was wrong. There was a huge beer event happening that was making everything more crowded and chaotic than the venue usually is. The space I had reserved had been double booked, and we had to set up in another location. There was a band playing in said location and they were SO LOUD. The guest of honor arrived a half hour late. I was a like a huge exposed nerve. I had eaten a large lunch before we got there to minimize temptation, but after the grueling first few hours of set up, I was done with willpower. I poured myself a glass of sangria. I joked to my friends "I'm screwing the diet, and I'm not sorry!"
But... I am sorry. Over four hours I had four drinks. I had three mini cupcakes and a plate full of fried food. We went home and I crashed on the couch, having rarely felt that tired. We ordered pizza.
The next day was supposed to be Day 1. I'd screwed the diet and I needed to begin again. But my friends and I made plans and she was an hour and a half late. I blew up at her. She cried. I cried. We talked it out during a long walk. I went home and felt pretty bad about myself. Terrible for making her cry, and adding up all the ways I hadn't been a good friend during her pregnancy. Was this fair to myself? Probably not. But it's what I did.
I had been Whole30 compliant all day, but I hadn't eaten properly. Not enough fat or veggies. Just two servings of turkey meatballs and a kombucha. I was hungry and raw and wanted comfort. We went to a cafe and I had a sandwich and half a beer. Then we grabbed a slice of chocolate cake to go.
And now, today. Once again, not Whole30. I skipped breakfast. I had milk in my coffee. I'm taking every small thing that goes wrong as evidence that I'm terrible & manifesting bad energy in my life. It's possible that I'm being SLIGHTLY hard on myself.
So where do I go from here? Do I commit to the Whole30 again, and risk feeling this badly about myself if I fail? Decide failing is not an option? I know what the brave choice is, but I'm not feeling very brave. I'm feeling pretty beat up at the moment.
For the moment, exercise is the answer. Then we shall see!
So, after pretty much ignoring all the challenges I set for myself (daily core work in January? No. 10 minute miles in February? HA! No.) I decided to bring it back to the beginning. It was time to do the Whole 30 again.
I reread the book. Upon second reading I was less impressed. The arguments that seemed to well thought-out upon first (terrified) glance, now seemed to be based on conjecture. But I couldn't argue with the results from my first dip into paleo eating. So in I jumped again.
I started the week far more prepared than I was the first go round. I had meals planned, snacks at the ready, and a game plan for the restaurants I knew I'd be visiting. The week went by, and I was amazed at how much easier things seemed this time. Yes, I was completely exhausted the whole week, but other than that, I felt pretty good. And just knowing that I was doing something good for myself made me feel happier about my body.
But. Well, there was a but. Isn't there always. I began the 30 days on Monday. On Saturday, I was throwing a baby shower for my best friend. To say that party planning is not my idea of a good time is an understatement. I wanted my friend to have the best possible party, because I adore her and I already love her not-yet-born baby. But planning, organizing, being the maker of fun? So not my jam. (Which is why planning my own wedding is such a scary experience for me, but that's another entry!)
When we arrived at the venue, everything was wrong. There was a huge beer event happening that was making everything more crowded and chaotic than the venue usually is. The space I had reserved had been double booked, and we had to set up in another location. There was a band playing in said location and they were SO LOUD. The guest of honor arrived a half hour late. I was a like a huge exposed nerve. I had eaten a large lunch before we got there to minimize temptation, but after the grueling first few hours of set up, I was done with willpower. I poured myself a glass of sangria. I joked to my friends "I'm screwing the diet, and I'm not sorry!"
But... I am sorry. Over four hours I had four drinks. I had three mini cupcakes and a plate full of fried food. We went home and I crashed on the couch, having rarely felt that tired. We ordered pizza.
The next day was supposed to be Day 1. I'd screwed the diet and I needed to begin again. But my friends and I made plans and she was an hour and a half late. I blew up at her. She cried. I cried. We talked it out during a long walk. I went home and felt pretty bad about myself. Terrible for making her cry, and adding up all the ways I hadn't been a good friend during her pregnancy. Was this fair to myself? Probably not. But it's what I did.
I had been Whole30 compliant all day, but I hadn't eaten properly. Not enough fat or veggies. Just two servings of turkey meatballs and a kombucha. I was hungry and raw and wanted comfort. We went to a cafe and I had a sandwich and half a beer. Then we grabbed a slice of chocolate cake to go.
And now, today. Once again, not Whole30. I skipped breakfast. I had milk in my coffee. I'm taking every small thing that goes wrong as evidence that I'm terrible & manifesting bad energy in my life. It's possible that I'm being SLIGHTLY hard on myself.
So where do I go from here? Do I commit to the Whole30 again, and risk feeling this badly about myself if I fail? Decide failing is not an option? I know what the brave choice is, but I'm not feeling very brave. I'm feeling pretty beat up at the moment.
For the moment, exercise is the answer. Then we shall see!
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
The most difficult challenge yet
When I began this project, I was full of tiger blood. I was 10 days into a Whole30 challenge, and felt energy like I'd never known before. I wanted to keep it going, keep up the feeling, keep challenging myself to change, improve, feel better.
It's a few month later now, and I don't feel particularly better. I feel kinda crappy, TBH.
The Whole30 was pretty successful. I didn't make it a full 30 days, but I did drastically change my eating habits for over 3 weeks, and I experienced hugely beneficial changes to my body & my mental state.
The next month, I did yoga every day, with very few exceptions. Sometimes it sucked, but for the most part, I was really happy with the results.
December, I faltered. Instead of one big exciting goal, I gave myself little things to change. And some of them I actually did! I'm still not using a towel to dry my hair, and I'm seeing the breakage around my hairline slow down. I'm also no longer washing my face in the shower, and my skin looks perhaps a bit clearer. So, it wasn't a wasted month. But it FELT wasted. After two months of being healthier & happier, jumping into December, the stress of the holidays, the money spent, the ugly consumerism, and missing Andrew sorely during our two and a half week separation, the little things I was doing to improve my appearance felt silly, small and woefully unable to handle the talk of improving myself.
And there it is. A big problem in the middle of these big challenges. I don't want to just improve my health, or my appearance, or any small part of me. I want to improve my SELF. The stuff that makes up "me"-- well, I've examined it and found it lacking. And I'm trying to tweak it, through challenges, to improve upon it. To make it worthy of love, of a wedding, of a happily ever after.
But... what if I'm already worthy of that? What if I don't need to change myself in order to like myself? Or, what if I do need to change one thing, and that's the way I treat myself. The way I look at myself and judge myself. Accepting myself for who I am, and treating myself with love might be the biggest challenge of all.
But I think it's a pretty good one.
It's a few month later now, and I don't feel particularly better. I feel kinda crappy, TBH.
The Whole30 was pretty successful. I didn't make it a full 30 days, but I did drastically change my eating habits for over 3 weeks, and I experienced hugely beneficial changes to my body & my mental state.
The next month, I did yoga every day, with very few exceptions. Sometimes it sucked, but for the most part, I was really happy with the results.
December, I faltered. Instead of one big exciting goal, I gave myself little things to change. And some of them I actually did! I'm still not using a towel to dry my hair, and I'm seeing the breakage around my hairline slow down. I'm also no longer washing my face in the shower, and my skin looks perhaps a bit clearer. So, it wasn't a wasted month. But it FELT wasted. After two months of being healthier & happier, jumping into December, the stress of the holidays, the money spent, the ugly consumerism, and missing Andrew sorely during our two and a half week separation, the little things I was doing to improve my appearance felt silly, small and woefully unable to handle the talk of improving myself.
And there it is. A big problem in the middle of these big challenges. I don't want to just improve my health, or my appearance, or any small part of me. I want to improve my SELF. The stuff that makes up "me"-- well, I've examined it and found it lacking. And I'm trying to tweak it, through challenges, to improve upon it. To make it worthy of love, of a wedding, of a happily ever after.
But... what if I'm already worthy of that? What if I don't need to change myself in order to like myself? Or, what if I do need to change one thing, and that's the way I treat myself. The way I look at myself and judge myself. Accepting myself for who I am, and treating myself with love might be the biggest challenge of all.
But I think it's a pretty good one.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Oh, bother
Well, it's January! A traditional time for diets, exercise, new year, new you-ing. Based on my previous self-improvement kick, you'd think I'd be very gung ho.
I'm more like gung NO.
I feel so tired, lazy and unmotivated. The Christmas weight I gained is laughing at me, daring me to try and lose it. At work I'm lethargic and unmotivated. I'm finding excuses not to exercise. And food? Well, last night was a burger, beer and ice cream.
I am f-ing winning 2015.
Obviously something needs to change. My goal for January was to do my core exercises daily to strengthen my back. Somehow this goal seems like both too little and far too much. Too little, because I want something that will kick start my motivation, my weight loss, my energy & excitement. Ten minutes of clam & bridge poses doesn't really fit the bill.
But it also seems like too much because, well, EVERYTHING seems like too much. I think it's just a bit of post-holiday ennui, but the smallest tasks feel pretty insurmountable these days. Mountains are molehills.
So here is where I stand. At the beginning stages of January, unsure of how to proceed. Start the Whole 30 again? Recommit to the 80/20 program (something I never figured out)? Try to simply focus on moderation? I'm not sure if I know how to do that.
Now I am nearing the end of this blog... and I'm not closer to knowing what to do.
Let's see what tomorrow brings!
I'm more like gung NO.
I feel so tired, lazy and unmotivated. The Christmas weight I gained is laughing at me, daring me to try and lose it. At work I'm lethargic and unmotivated. I'm finding excuses not to exercise. And food? Well, last night was a burger, beer and ice cream.
I am f-ing winning 2015.
Obviously something needs to change. My goal for January was to do my core exercises daily to strengthen my back. Somehow this goal seems like both too little and far too much. Too little, because I want something that will kick start my motivation, my weight loss, my energy & excitement. Ten minutes of clam & bridge poses doesn't really fit the bill.
But it also seems like too much because, well, EVERYTHING seems like too much. I think it's just a bit of post-holiday ennui, but the smallest tasks feel pretty insurmountable these days. Mountains are molehills.
So here is where I stand. At the beginning stages of January, unsure of how to proceed. Start the Whole 30 again? Recommit to the 80/20 program (something I never figured out)? Try to simply focus on moderation? I'm not sure if I know how to do that.
Now I am nearing the end of this blog... and I'm not closer to knowing what to do.
Let's see what tomorrow brings!
Thursday, December 18, 2014
December: Oil Pulling
Well, hello December!
Eighteen days in, and I'm just starting to cop that it isn't really the beginning of the month anymore. It's the middle of the month. Borderline LATE.
So, how have I been doing with my challenges?
Oil Pulling
I have been so negligent in this! And it's doubly silly of me, as I have been having some serious tooth pain this month. Coconut oil would help! I know it would! And still... I have oil pulled twice this month. Maybe three times.
Tomorrow teeth! I'm coming for you!
Ditch Bad Beauty Habits
Washing My Face in the Shower
This one was pretty easy to quit. I simply took the face wash out of my shower. Ta da! An esthetician told me that the water temperature we use for showers is way too hot for our faces, and it causes a lot of redness in our complexions. Since redness is a big problem for me, I decided to follow her advice. After a few weeks of washing my face after my shower, I am noticing a more even complexion. However, even though there is less redness in my cheeks, I am breaking out a bit more. My assumption is that this is due to stress rather than beauty habits.
Ditch The Towel Turban
Wrapping your wet hair up in a towel leads to breakage. A great alternative is to use an old t-shirt to soak up extra moisture. It's less damaging to hair than a towel, and doesn't cause breakage, leading to those unsightly little wisps around your forehead.
Yep. I know all that is true.... but the towel is so much more convenient! The t-shirt method requires a loose drape around your shoulders, which slips and falls, and my soaking wet hair drips on my shoulders... shudder. It's unpleasant giving up the towel. But in the weeks since I have, my hair has been smoother and shinier.
Stop Using Q-Tips
Ooops. I forgot about this one. I'll start tomorrow :)
Eighteen days in, and I'm just starting to cop that it isn't really the beginning of the month anymore. It's the middle of the month. Borderline LATE.
So, how have I been doing with my challenges?
Oil Pulling
I have been so negligent in this! And it's doubly silly of me, as I have been having some serious tooth pain this month. Coconut oil would help! I know it would! And still... I have oil pulled twice this month. Maybe three times.
Tomorrow teeth! I'm coming for you!
Ditch Bad Beauty Habits
Washing My Face in the Shower
This one was pretty easy to quit. I simply took the face wash out of my shower. Ta da! An esthetician told me that the water temperature we use for showers is way too hot for our faces, and it causes a lot of redness in our complexions. Since redness is a big problem for me, I decided to follow her advice. After a few weeks of washing my face after my shower, I am noticing a more even complexion. However, even though there is less redness in my cheeks, I am breaking out a bit more. My assumption is that this is due to stress rather than beauty habits.
Ditch The Towel Turban
Wrapping your wet hair up in a towel leads to breakage. A great alternative is to use an old t-shirt to soak up extra moisture. It's less damaging to hair than a towel, and doesn't cause breakage, leading to those unsightly little wisps around your forehead.
Yep. I know all that is true.... but the towel is so much more convenient! The t-shirt method requires a loose drape around your shoulders, which slips and falls, and my soaking wet hair drips on my shoulders... shudder. It's unpleasant giving up the towel. But in the weeks since I have, my hair has been smoother and shinier.
Stop Using Q-Tips
Ooops. I forgot about this one. I'll start tomorrow :)
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Yikes.
Oh dear. Ohhhhhh dear.
Well. The past 30 days have been... not great, Bob. Not in terms of life, but in terms of me keeping up with the challenges I've set myself. Throughout November, I did meditate a bit, but it was really more like twice a week, rather than every day.
There were reasons, to be sure. I was traveling for work. I was traveling for pleasure. There were weddings, and late nights, and stress. I worked myself into a ball of crazy over hosting a party at my house.
The real reason? It was hard.
It was really hard making time for myself. I was hard to force myself to sit and breathe, when I wanted to be reading, when there was cleaning to be done, when I was at my parent's house, and my adorable nieces & nephew were in the next room, just waiting to play and be awesome.
Plus, when you sit with yourself for 20 minutes, you have to sit with YOURSELF. That is hard, and scary.
So, the end of November arrived, and I thought, welp, I fucked that month up! Onward to December!
Erm, about that.
Ten days into December, and I haven't started in on my goals for the month. And they were pretty easy! Oil pulling, not washing my face in the shower. I HAVE made an effort to ditch the towel turban, and am now using a t-shirt to lightly dry my hair. So, yay! That's one thing!
I was sort of hoping writing this would inspire me to create a new December goal and jump in. But the truth is... I'm feeling a little blue. Maybe I'll oil pull tonight. I'll continue with the t-shirt. Maybe I'll even mediate.
Or maybe I'll just relax. Tomorrow's another day after all.
Well. The past 30 days have been... not great, Bob. Not in terms of life, but in terms of me keeping up with the challenges I've set myself. Throughout November, I did meditate a bit, but it was really more like twice a week, rather than every day.
There were reasons, to be sure. I was traveling for work. I was traveling for pleasure. There were weddings, and late nights, and stress. I worked myself into a ball of crazy over hosting a party at my house.
The real reason? It was hard.
It was really hard making time for myself. I was hard to force myself to sit and breathe, when I wanted to be reading, when there was cleaning to be done, when I was at my parent's house, and my adorable nieces & nephew were in the next room, just waiting to play and be awesome.
Plus, when you sit with yourself for 20 minutes, you have to sit with YOURSELF. That is hard, and scary.
So, the end of November arrived, and I thought, welp, I fucked that month up! Onward to December!
Erm, about that.
Ten days into December, and I haven't started in on my goals for the month. And they were pretty easy! Oil pulling, not washing my face in the shower. I HAVE made an effort to ditch the towel turban, and am now using a t-shirt to lightly dry my hair. So, yay! That's one thing!
I was sort of hoping writing this would inspire me to create a new December goal and jump in. But the truth is... I'm feeling a little blue. Maybe I'll oil pull tonight. I'll continue with the t-shirt. Maybe I'll even mediate.
Or maybe I'll just relax. Tomorrow's another day after all.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Meditate Daily!
November's challenge is to meditate daily.
I thought of doing the day-by-day breakdown of how it felt... but, my God, that sounds boring doesn't it? Day 1, I sat quietly for ten minute. Day 2, I sat quietly for ten minutes.
And really, that's what it is. Sitting quietly. Focusing on my breath. Taking 10-20 minutes a day to calm myself, disengage from the frenzy of the outside world, and focus on being. Just being.
It's a lovely sentiment, but 12 days in, I'm not feeling particularly lovely. I've struggled decided how exactly to meditate. I've been dipping in and out of a 21-day series of guided meditation from Deepak Chopra. It's fine, but I'm never sure what to do with myself in the ten minutes that leads up to the meditation. I've had some luck with apps that play soothing music and quietly turn themselves off after 10 minutes.
I'm thinking perhaps I need more than 10 minutes to fully relax into the practice. Since I was able to find at least 15 minutes in my day to do yoga, I think I'll tweak the mediation to at least 15 minutes.
Namaste!
I thought of doing the day-by-day breakdown of how it felt... but, my God, that sounds boring doesn't it? Day 1, I sat quietly for ten minute. Day 2, I sat quietly for ten minutes.
And really, that's what it is. Sitting quietly. Focusing on my breath. Taking 10-20 minutes a day to calm myself, disengage from the frenzy of the outside world, and focus on being. Just being.
It's a lovely sentiment, but 12 days in, I'm not feeling particularly lovely. I've struggled decided how exactly to meditate. I've been dipping in and out of a 21-day series of guided meditation from Deepak Chopra. It's fine, but I'm never sure what to do with myself in the ten minutes that leads up to the meditation. I've had some luck with apps that play soothing music and quietly turn themselves off after 10 minutes.
I'm thinking perhaps I need more than 10 minutes to fully relax into the practice. Since I was able to find at least 15 minutes in my day to do yoga, I think I'll tweak the mediation to at least 15 minutes.
Namaste!
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